Battlefield

I've lost the battle,
The battle between BF and FM
I know, I bore you with a lot of breastfeeding stories yada yada,
But I personally think I must tell this story,
So others can benefit from it...

Initially I've set a short term mission; 6 month fully breastfeeding then extended to 1 year fully breastfeeding. It is important for mothers who wish to breastfeed their child to set their own target, mission and vision so it can be your motivating factor.
The first 6 months was easy, supply was exceeding the demand so to speak
So I had a lot of EBM in my fridge

The reality kicked in when he was 8 months old,
Stocks depleted so cepat I cant even catch up...
and the situation worsen when I started sending him to Tunas Kijang, the daycare centre under my organization
With 5 teachers and 11 babies in his class, Adam can no longer enjoy the benefit of having all eyes watching his every move, his every need. Everything is based on schedule in which they have allocated 3 milk time daily
So, 3 x 4oz per milk time, I have to prepare 12 oz of EBM every day for him
I was not very keen on setting the oz too high considering he is already taking solid food and I dont think he will be hungry every 1.5hrs but I cant comment much when they say theres a possibility he wants more milk when he sees everybody else is drinking theirs
#irestmycase #hisneedisevenmoreimportant

In order to be able to provide those ounces, I have to do more pumping.
Its easy if you are staying at home, you can just shove your boobies to his face and the problem is solved
Its not easy when you are working and hell its even worse when you are an auditor
The other auditor mommies can vouch to this
I practically have back-to-back meeting during peak season, and it were all long winded meeting
Also with the lactation room situation where banks that I audit do npt provide this facility which translated to pumping-at-any-places kind of modus operandi in order to achieve the target

But I cant be having 4 pumping session at the office/bank. So I end up pumping in the middle of the night or as early as 4am everyday. It was really tiring I cant deny that. I've been doing this for 2 months despite all the pressure for me to top his milk intake with formula milk.

But somehow along the line, I lost. It really took a toll on me and with heavy hearts I introduced Goat's formula milk to my baby, at the age of 10 months++. I cried that day, every time I think of it, I cried. I have failed in giving the best to my son.

So, the moral of the story here is to be prepared if you wish to fully bf your baby till 2 years old. It requires tonnes of sacrifice, lesser sleep hours, more wrinkle around your eyes, more money spend on eye cream and the most important part, your emotion.

You also need to be emotionally strong to combat this. You need to have a good surrounding. You need to have an understanding husband that would be willing to do house chores like folding clothes, sweeping floor, make the bed and etc. You need to be with positive people that have similar goal to see the baby is getting the best milk in the whole wide world and most importantly money cant buy. You need to have the environment where people acknowledge that breastfeeding is the best choice.

To husbands out there, help your wife. Because that's the least of things that you can do. Literally. Think about those money that your wife helped to save when she provide her milk to your child. Formula milk is not cheap I can tell you that. If you think that your day sucks, think again because what your wife had to endure in order to produce those 12 ounces is beyond word. Heck if men can produce milk instead of women, I am sure that Formula Milk companies is doubling their profit today.Also, always think that this is just  a phase when she suddenly PMS-ing and what not. It will go away and it will be a smooth one if she is getting all the help that she need

To my son, I am so sorry. I have failed you. I will try still until I just cant do it anymore. Do know that I will do anything for you,even it cost me my life and my happiness

I love you Adam Khaliff

It has been a while

It has been a while since I...

• went for a hair treatment
• Had one hour Pedicure and manicure
• Eat durian
• Had an uninterrupted sleep 
• Sleep more than 5 hours
• Buy clothes in XS size
• Buy pants in S size
• People compliment me for my fitness level and body figures
• People seek some running advice
• Had an adult conversation without my son's name included in it
• Wear high heels
• Purchase brand new handbag
• Eat and drink without having to worry on the impact of my milk production (seriously, drinking barley = pengsan)
• Rest well at home after work
• Watch movie in the cinema
• went for window shopping
• have fine dining experience
• watch TV with an actual sound 
• had a stress free vacation

#thisistemporaryihope #iamsleepdeprivedcantyoutell? #ilovemysonnomatterwhat #pleasedontjudgemeimjustanormalhumanbeing #ideservebettertreatment

Difficult time

Breast-feeding and being an auditor working mom is one tough job. I was told that it is going to be difficult, but I totally underestimate the process. Juggling between the two exhaust me, sometimes I feel like giving up especially when I heard comments:

 

"Susu tak cukup, pam la lagi" (Not enough milk, pump more)

 

"Ha kalau susah, bagi la formula" (If its so difficult, just give formula milk)

 

"Asek meragam je dia, mesti nak melekat je la tu" (He's always fussy, he just want to latch all the time)

 

If you chose to a bf mom, you are in for a challening times. Not handling your baby but people's perception towards breastfeeding, how to handle people's lack of knowledge on breastfeeding, not to cry when you see your maid wasted 2 oz of your milk, your panic attack when you see your EBM is depleting, sleep deprivation and the most important thing to watch what you eat and drink

 

 

source: Google

 

Eversince I breastfeed my baby, my new breast best friend is milk, milk and milk. Not to forget almond, green vegetable, eggs, barley, oats and all sort of food that are labeled as 'milk booster'

But of course when you constantly eating and eating, you will gain some numbers in the weight department. There you go again, another stress on handling people's comment about your weight. I gave up on my 5th month, I simply dont care anymore what people say about how I look, and how I need to start dieting and bla bla bla

Whenever I feel down, I will look at Adam and remember I am giving him the best of what babies can get. I constantly say to myself, its okay, you can be slimmer later. The most important thing is Adam is healthy and growing up in the best way. You let go of your needs, and you put your son needs first

 

 

But when I read this today, I am crying inside

Drunk Mum Killed 2 month old baby via breastfeeding

How can you possibly do that to your child?

 

Its irresponsible! Period

 

I know that when u breastfeed, you saved a lot. No need of expensive formula milk, you dont need tonnes of bottle set to feed your baby and etc.

 

 

 

source: Google

 

 

But you just CANNOT be irresponsible towards what you eat ( I was once trying to puke back something that I ate that had trace of soy lecithin)

 

May Allah give me strength to do this the right way 

#adamkhaliff

Muhammad Adam Khaliff is already 3 months old now

How time flies

He is one healthy baby, and a happy one too

Me being the typical new mom, everything about him is adorable.

The way he smile, the way he giggled, the way he cry (well sometimes not so cute when he roaaarrrrr)

I am thankful that he is a happy baby and not choosy

He is still fully breastfeeding till now

I really really hope I can breastfeed him the longest possible

I love the bonding time that we have together

Some pictures of my little angel

When he was 2 weeks old, he was 2.9kg then

Adam at 3 months old. Happy, chubby with additional 2kg 

:)

Alhamdulillah

Criticism

Some take it well

some may not

Parenthood is a learning process, sure none of us dont like to be told what to do, what is wrong with whatever we are doing and the most disgusting thing of all is comparing who does it better

But somehow, you cant run from the fact that someone else might do it better than you. Like I mentioned earlier, its a learning process. Kids are dynamic as well in nature. One day they may like your method, tomorrow they may not. Today Adam like it when I sing him some weird song that I created, yesterday it didnt work at all. The most important thing of all is to analyse which one works and then use it. I have my Mother in Law and my maid to thank for because sometimes they discover a new thing on him. Things that sooth him. But sometimes this baby of mine is unpredictable, when he is in his crying mode, nothing works. But once he hit his sleeping mode, whoever gets to cuddle him at that particular moment managed to get him to sleep. Its amazing how kids get to boss you around as well. It took 3 people to get Adam ready in the morning. Hahahahaha...and that was funny

I guess in this learning process, what we have to do is to take it with an open arms. The nice thing about confinement leave is I get to analyse his cry and see his pattern. There was one night, he dont want to sleep and keep on crying, Ive tried every single method that I know, nothing works. Little that I know is that he just need to change his baju because he was not comfortable. Once we change his sleeping suit, he slept like an angel. Pheww, after 10th attempt to get him to sleep. But till now, I am not too sure whether I can know all of his crying sounds.

It is also important to accept things are not always on your side. You are not always right and sometimes other people do the right thing. Of course, its a little bit sad to know that your kids prefer to sleep in the arms of your maid rather than you but heck Ill accept anything that makes my kid comfortable, even when I have to swallow the fact that my child only need me for my nipples

I am not always right. Its just that I only tell things that we discover. Sure, people will think that you are wrong but to me this is not a competition although some people think I take it as such. I only tell what I think and its up to the individual whether to take it as good or not

For the new parents, I was told by a friend that both parents will struggle to find the right thing to do to your kid. I think this is true as I am struggling a little bit now. And she once told me the key to it is to just tell your side of the story and see whether it works. If its not working then just try other thing. Never give up. I hope I can find the key to this and make it work for Adam.

Of course I dont like it when my maid told me that I was wrong. For a minute, you'll feel like ek eleh im his mother la of course I know. But it doesnt work that way. when you are wrong, even you are your child mother, you are still wrong.

What to do.

Just accept it lah I guess

Confinement

Yes, I would like to talk about the long 44 days that mothers MUST go through.
Confinement

I am not too sure why its 44 days but rest assured its DAMN LONG

Before giving birth, I always thought days will go by without me knowing it
You know like eh dah 44 hari dah ke... (eh, its 44 days already? I cant tell)

But let me tell you,
Days go by pretty slow
Nights especially, it seems longer now
You checked your clock ah its 2am, next thing when your baby wake you up, you checked again hoping its already 6.30am
NOT
Its 3.45am in the morning
Phewwwww

There were days in my confinement period where I was literally a human pacifier. Adam needs to be feed every one hour and it took him 30 minutes to feed and almost 20 minutes to get him to sleep. So thats about 10 minutes window left for eye shut
Huhuhuhu

I have to tell you that it was a real help to hire a confinement lady that stays with you during your confinement. The lady will help taking care of you, taking care of the baby and even stay awake at night to ensure your baby's asleep and such

I hired a confinement lady for 28 days and I cried the day she went home. Seriously guys, dont get calculative and think that forking out RM3k for the 28 days is a waste. It is not. It was a real good investment for me. Unless you have a full time maid to care of your newborn, then I believe you must hire a confinement lady, especially for those first time mom. I am still struggling when I want to bath adam but imagine if I had to do that at day 5 or day 6 of my confinement
The early week (week 1) was crucial to ensure that you get enough rest.
But the thing that really makes confinement is as dull as ever, is the thing that you can eat
I am a real eater
I can really eat and I usually indulge for food
So when the list of food that you can consume is just one page during confinement
I hit my I-cant-take-it-anymore wall during week 4
Its so boring
Its fish, fish and fish all the way
Yesterday I ate steam fish, what to have today? Ah there you go, fish again
Sigh

And it is really not helping when my favourite channel to watch are AFC, Food Network and all those
Whenever I watch Giada at Home, Man vs Food, and Grilled it with Bobby Flay, I had my imaginary eating out scheduled and I whatsapp booTak right away

source: *Google*

Post confinement eating out schedule:

1. Rakuzen (Sashimi, I really miss you)

2. El - toro (Steaks that are yummy)

3. Chillis (I want those burgers)

4. Upstairs cafe - I want those spaghetti

5. Sari Ratu - I want my Gulai Ayam and Sambal Hijau)

6. Thai Thai (I want my Thai Iced Tea with Tom Yam  and mieng Kam)

But above all these restaurant,

Theres one thing that I really really want to eat right now

source: *google*

I really want thissssss....

I think the morning on day 45 I am going to eat this

4 MORE DAYS NOWWWWWWWW
Le sigh

The 18hrs...

Okay,

Phewwww, I can breath now

Let me continue my story about my labour experience

Warning! Too much picture

The story began at 5.30am where my water broke

I was sleeping and I remembered I had a dream about giving birth

Little that I know that its actually for real

At first I thought I peed and wet my bed

Oh boy malu kot

But suddenly the water flows were very strong and it came out terlalu banyak

Then I told myself AMAGAAADD this is it

Woke booTak up and his first reaction

Relax...relax...relax (boleh la suruh relax cuba dia yang pregant)

I read that if your water leak/broke minimally you have around 3-4 hours to delay before going to the hospital

But this one was too much, even after I took my shower it was still flowing

My initial plan was to go mamak and eat maggi goreng (regret not doing it)

But since the flow was too heavy I decided straight to the hospital it is

But let me have some bagel first

and for the record, I cook my scrambled egg that morning

Hahahahhaha

Who can really eat at 6.00am in the morning

Reached the hospital and went straight to 4th floor, the labour room

Registered myself and went to the Labour Room 1

Baring first, no wire around my belly yet

Can still smile at the moment

My contraction was 4 minutes apart that time. I can still manage to tahan the pain but my back was killing me

And it kills me further when the midwife told me I was only 2cm dilated

Hoiii, lama lagi tu kot

Prior going to the labour room, Ive already decided that I want to take the epidural.

Yah, the chicken me

I am so scared of the labour pain Ive let it control and took over me

a friend of mine once told me

"Bungee jumping leh buat takkan beranak takut"

("you can do bungee jumping, dont tell me you are scared of labour pain")

was playing candy crush.

So my mind was occupied with 'when should I take the epidural?' thought

Ive heard friend's experience where they wanted epidural but it was too late as they were already dilated for more than 5cm and I sure as hell dont want that to happen to me

But we can only plan, the Almight above has other plan for me

Instead of too late to take epidural scenario, mine was epidural too early case

I took mine with empty stomach, when I was only 3 cm dilated and let me tell you it really prolong the wholeeee process

Migration between cm happened every 2-3 hours and I felt like giving bitch slap to the midwife whenever she said "ouh baru 4.5cm"

whats up with the .5cm?

Cant you just round it up?

My contraction after 8 hours I think

Ouh you might ask why took the epi with an empty stomach?

so let me just answer the imaginary question...

Lil adam's heartbeat was not in a very good pattern. It was okay circa 130-145 but the pattern was not 'pretty' as they described it

So i had to restrained myself from taking anything through my mouth in preparation for emergency c-section

One thought, c-section will definitely end this thing early and i could go back to the normal ward and sleep

Another thought, slow recovery, and whopping cost to be taken care of

I pray hard for it not to go through

Things I did best, sleep

So, with epi in me, empty stomach some more, at 5pm onwards I keep on vomiting the gastric juice. You see thats one of the cons of taking epi (which the anaes didnt tell me. cissness)

I vomited for about 6 times and of course I loss my energy but I keep some still and playing candy crush helps to ease my pain

Thank God for Candy Crush (ouh btw I killed 5 level while waiting for my labour. Ha cool or not)

At 8.30pm I was already 8cm dilated and the midwives all preparing the labour room for the delivery

BUT NOT YET

Hahahahaha

So we took picture first

At 10.30pm I was already 9.5cm dilated and the pain felt like I am going to die. Okay you may think I overreacted and exxagerated it

I swear to God I am not

The pain felt like somebody came to you and patahkan your pinggang

and it happened every 2 minutes

The epi certainly did not do its wonder to me anymore so the midwives asked me to take the laughing gas to help ease the pain

AND I WASNT LAUGHING!

They should call it sleeping gas cause I sure as hell felt sleepy and felt no energy to push

So, tick tock tick tock I was at 10cm at about 11pm

Yes I know the time because I will remember it for the rest of my life now and the giant clock was right smack in front of my face anyway

You know, when you didnt eat, you vomited so at 10cm dilation, you felt nothing

I tried to push and push

I know the midwives tipu me when they said I am doing great because i catch them laughing sesama mereka

CISSNESSSSSSS

So when the doctor arrived she suggested its either I vacuum or go for C Section

You have got to be kidding me

After 18hrs baru cakap nak suruh C Sect?

Then I somehow got some hidden energy inside me as if Ive just ate some power bar before marathon and I pushed like hell

I pushed hard until booTak hands almost patah when I grabbed it

At 11.45pm

This miracle happened

My angel Muhammad Adam Khaliff

I am so blessed that I am now a mother and I now realise the labour pain is no shit yo

Thank you Emak, I can never repay you for that (plus dulu dulu takde epidural, so I have no idea how she did it)

For anak anak di luar sana, hargailah ibu anda

For suami suami, hargailah isteri anda because Im pretty sure if its the other way around, you cant do it.

This was me after that. Tido ngaga and tak sedar diri

ADAM KHALIFF, Mummy loveeeeee youuuuu (i hope this blog will remain until my son besar so he can read it and know how awesome his mother was when giving birth to him)



Welcome, sweet little man

6 April 2013,

Marked as the most memorable day of my life

My first child was born on that day,

Baby A was born after 18 hours of waiting time

I shall write about it in detail soon (oh well, if you wish to read it. :)

On the day he was born, we referred him as Baby A

Not that we are not ready with choices/selection of baby names

Its just that we want our relatives to wait hehehehe

So,

Here goes

Baby A's official name is...

Muhammad Adam Khaliff bin Muhammad Rizhan

3.09kg

11.45pm

6 April 2013/25 Jamadilawal 1434H

My first time holding him

Thank you for all your kind wishes through FB, Instagram and Twitter

Appreciate it

:)

I am now a mother

:)